Changing the pronouns you use for someone can be difficult, even for folks who want to get it right. Most native English speakers already use singular they pronouns, often without realizing, it in a variety of circumstances. We can adapt those cases to help become more comfortable using singular they pronouns in contexts where it is specifically requested or signaled as appropriate.
Unknown: “Someone left their umbrella in the lobby, I hope they didn’t get caught in the rain.”
This is something people say when the person’s gender is completely unknown. In cases where you later learn what gender the person was you would then update your pronoun usage but if someone says they use they/them you can instead update your mental categorization to known to be unknown.
Anonymizing: “The whistleblower must be protected because they could face backlash if their identity was revealed.”
We often use singular they when we want to intentionally obscure the gender of the person we are talking about whether for their safety and privacy or our own. This makes it a great tool for learning to use singular they for people who specifically request it. Think of it like enrolling them in a Gender Identity Protection Program where you are taking care about what your language reveals about their gender.
Ambiguous: “Who is that mysterious person? I love their vibe.”
Sometimes we use singular they to indicate uncertainty or ambiguity surrounding someone’s gender. Typically this is reserved for people who present in very androgynous or gender dissonant but there’s no reason the same mental category can’t be used for all who request those pronouns no matter how they present.
Irrelevant: “The customer said I got their order wrong and demanded I give them a refund.”
Sometimes a person’s gender is simply irrelevant to the story we are telling and we use singular they to indicate that. You can use the same framework to think of a person’s gender being permanently irrelevant to whatever you are discussing.
Notes on disambiguation of singular them and plural them:
Sometimes people express concerns that using singular they pronouns will cause ambiguity in contexts where one also needs to use a plural they. One helpful tip is that they addition of the words “both of” or “all of” before a “them” clearly marks it as explicitly plural. Additionally, the reflexive form of a plural them is “themselves” while the reflexive form of a singular them is “themself”
“Sam and Max went on a date. They both met at the cafe. Sam ordered themself a coffee and then they ordered cookies for both of them to share. Max saw their friend Alex walking by and invited them to join. Then they all went to see a movie.
Remember that even when using he and she sentences with too many pronouns can often become ambiguous or confusing. By taking care to make it clear when a ‘they’ corresponds to a named person and when it refers a group we can address most of these confusions. It’s also worth considering when and if ambiguity is a problem that needs to be solved. In the above story did I mean that Alex is only Max’s friend or is Alex friends with both Max and Sam? It could be read either way but does it even matter? Obviously they all like each other enough to go see a movie together.